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Q:  Is your name really GARRY DASHNER?

A:  That's what it says on my driver's license.

 

Q: Are you the son of immigrants?

A:  Yes. My father immigrated from Arkansas and my mother immigrated from Kentucky.

 

Q:  Do you have any major issues?

A:  Yes. I have several copies of "Life", "Newsweek" and "TV Guide", etc.

 

Q:  Are you a racist?

A:  No. I've never driven a race car in my life.

 

Q: Are you a committed person?

A:  No. I've never been in a mental institute.

 

Q:  Are you a driven person?

A:  No. I've never had a chauffeur. I drive my own cars.

 

Q:  Are you a responsible person?

A:  I'd have to say yes. Whenever something happens, people say I'm the one responsible for it.

 

Q:  Do you have any political experience?

A:  Yes. I was President of my 6th Grade Class.

 

Q:  Do you have any experience in Law Enforcement?

A:  Yes. I was a school crossing "Safety" in 6th Grade.

 

Q:  Do you have any acting experience?

A:  Yes. I was a woolly caterpiller in the 1st Grade and a tree in the 3rd Grade.

 

Q:  Do you have a good character reference?

A:  Yes. Ask anybody and they will tell you I am quite a character.

Q:  Do you have a checkered past?

A:  No, I've never been much of a checker player and I don't play chess that much, either.

 

Q:  Do you have any educational experience?

A:  Yes. I was "Chalkboard Monitor" in the 3rd Grade.

 

Q:  Do you have a lot of patience?

A:  No. I'm not a doctor.

 

Q:  Are you Bipolar?

A:  No. I've never been to either the North or South Poles.

 

Q:  Are you a sexual offender?

A:  No. I've never found sex to be offensive, nor have I ever offended it.

 

Q:  Do you have Aids?

A:  No. I don't use hired help. I usually do things myself.

 

Q:  Are you a dirty old man?

A:  No. I shower on a regular basis.

 

Q:  Are you a cross dresser?

A:  No. I'm always happy when I put on my clothes. I never get angry or cross at anybody when dressing.

 

Q:  What is your means of support?

A:  My belt.

 

Q:  Have you ever worked overseas?

A:  Yes. I did have some jobs in which I had to cross the Missouri River via the Chouteau Bridge in Kansas City, Missouri.

Q: Have you ever be abroad?

A: No. I have never been a female impersonator.

 

Q:  Do you consider yourself a moral person?

A:  Yes, although I have to admit that one time I did take a girl out for a cup of coffee once. But, that was in my youth. I've grown up a lot since then.

 

Q:  Come on now! You did more than that, didn't you!?

A:  Okay, I'll fess up. Twice I took girls to a movie, but I didn't buy them any popcorn.

 

Q:  Do you have FAITH, HOPE and CHARITY?

A:  No. I tried, but they married someone else.

 

Q:  Are you a Saint?

A:  No. I never played professional football in New Orleans.

 

Q:  When you die do you believe you'll go to Heaven?

A:  Yes. Because I've already spent my time in Hell.

 

Q:  By already spending time in Hell, do you mean you fought in a war?

A:  No. I spent 6 1/2 years on Internet Dial-Up.

 

Q:  Have you ever been in a fight?

A:  Yes. Once I went down to the Post Office and licked a couple of stamps.

 

Q:  Are you a con artist?

A:  No. I don't draw pictures of people in jail.

 

Q:  What is the most horrible thing that ever happened to you?

A:  Once I woke up and found out that I was out of coffee.

 

Q:  Do you believe there is a superior race?

A:  Yes. The Indianapolis 500.

 

Q: How do you usually feel?

A:  With my fingers.

 

Q: Do you believe in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny?

A:  They do not exist. I got it straight from the Tooth Fairy, herself.

 

Q:  What do you think about the politicians who are running the country?

A:  I cannot answer that as it's against the law to put profanity on the Internet.

 

Q:  Can you speak a foreign language?

A:  I've studied a little bit of several languages. For instance, the Japanese word for, "Hello" sounds like, "Ohio". I know this because one day a Japanese gentleman came up to me and said, "Oh-hi-oh!"; to which I said, "No. Mizz-oo-rah!"

 

Q:  Do you believe Mankind descended from apes?

A:  No. However, looking at the people who run our Government, I can see where people would get that impression.

 

Q:  Who do you admire the most?

A:  Next to JESUS, there are a lot of people I admire. Michael Douglas is one of them. Think about it. The guy beat out Zorro for Catherine Zeta Jones!

 

Q:  Seriously. Next to JESUS, who do you admire the most?

A:  Next to JESUS, the greatest man I ever knew and loved was my father. I just wish I had told him so while he was still alive. The greatest woman would be my mother who, although she knew it, I still wish I'd told her so more often when she was alive.

 

Q:  In today's World, what kid of a stand do you take?

A:  I'd like either a hot dog or lemonade stand. I wouldn't mind having "Bandstand", but Dick Clark got there first.

 

Q:  Are you an educated person?

A:  No. But I have been to college.

 

Q:  What was your college major?

A:  Domo.

 

Q:  Are you a man of principles?

A:  Yes. I had principals in elementary school, junior high and senior high.

 

Q:  If you could do it all over again, what would you be?

A:  A millionaire.

 

Q:  At this stage in your life, where do you plan to go from here?

A:  Over to there.

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