I was never in the Military due to vision problems, which is just as well, because I might have been drafted and sent to Vientam. I lost three Northeast buddies because of that war. When you learn that one of your friends has been killed, it sure doesn't feel good.

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WORK HISTORY:

 

My work experience includes: Aviation, Electronics, Insurance, Police & Security, Postal Worker, Restaurant Management, Paint & Hardware and Sales. I've also tried to start several businesses.

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POLICE & SECURITY:

 

I worked for several different Security companies in the 1970's. I used to tell people that instead of a nightstick or police baton, I carried the jawbone of an ass. Well, you never know when you might run into a Philistine or two.

 

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AIRPORT SECURITY: 

 

I spent some time guarding the old Kansas City Municipal Airport during the Midnight hours. I used to drive this airport truck with a yellow light on top when making my rounds. I thought it was cool running around with that little light flashing. But, it was important, because people could see you at night, especially aircraft. You know, if a plane crashes into your truck, it can ruin your whole night. I remember one time I was at the far end of the runway driving across a little rise. All of a sudden, it was instant daylight. For a second, I thought JESUS was coming back. Then, just as quickly, it was dark again. I heard a noise, looked to my left and saw a plane landing. I had been caught in the landing lights of the plane. From then on, I always checked for incoming planes before I crossed that little rise. There really wasn't much danger in getting hit, but I didn't want to get lit up like that again. It's kind of a weird feeling.

 

I checked the water stick when it rained because the Missouri River can rise rather quickly. If the water was too high, I'd have to tell the guy in the tower. With the runway flooding up, he'd have to direct planes to land at other places. Unless of course, they had water skis on their landing gear. I've seen planes parked at the North end of the runway with water half-way up their landing gear wheels.

 

When I first started, the guy who showed me the ropes said I needed to check the parking area at the NW side of the runway. This was because people were parking there who shouldn't. I don't claim to be the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree, but when I see several parked vehicles at midnight with their windows steamed up and the cars rocking back and forth, it's for doggone sure they didn't come to watch the airplanes land. At first I chased people away, but then was told to leave them alone. Apparently, someone complained about the guard at the airport cramping their social life. Anyway, that's the way it is with security work. One day you're told to enforce a rule and then the next day, you're told to not enforce it.

 

I used to check buildings and hangars etc., to make sure things were okay. Not so much for burglars, but to check for any fires. If that aviation fuel ever got lit up, I'd have gotten lit up. There was one cold November night when I went in and checked this one particular hangar. It had what looked like a Lear jet and a black Mercedes car in there. I had to make sure they were still there. Anyway, it had been raining quite a bit and there were puddles of water all over the concrete floor. The hangar had several naked bulbs hanging down from the ceiling to provide lights that were left on all night. Several water puddles were formed on the floor because of the leaking roof. Water drops would continually drop down and hit these puddles which caused the light reflections in the puddles to flicker and shimmer giving eerie optical effects. Then, there was the sound of the water dripping everwhere from the metal building and roof. Not only that, but the American Flag would flap in the breeze and the chain (instead of a rope) would clank against the metal flagpole. So then, it all started at once. Drip, drip! Flicker, flicker! Flap, flap! Clank, clank! It started to get spooky and I looked around to see where they wanted a new door in the hangar as I was getting a little spooked. I put my hand on my revolver, but then I realized it wouldn't do any good, beause you can't kill ghosts. Probably, because they're already dead. Just then, the wind went whistling through the hangar. Believe me, when the wind goes through a metal hangar, which has got a lot of cracks and openings, you get all kinds of weird sounds. I hear, "WHOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Combined with all the other scary noises and reflections, that was it. I ran out of the building, got in that truck and from then on, I never entered into the hangar again. I just opened the door, looked inside to make sure the plane and car were in there and that was it. Of course, that was over 40 years ago. Would I go inside the hangar at night again? Are you nuts! That place is haunted!

 

They say confession is good for the Soul; whoever they are. With that in mind, I do have a confession to make. One night I took the truck, leaving the airport unguarded for about 20 minutes and snuck over to the 7-11 in North Kansas City to get a package of twinkies to have with my coffee break.

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K-9 PATROL:

 

One time I spent a weekend walking canine patrol around the Kansas City Star newspaper building. They had this white German shepherd, which reminded me of Jack La Lanne's dog, "Happy". I thought he would be a kind of vicious type of guard dog who would attack on command. I found out differently, though. The first night I walked patrol with him, some cute girls on break (the newspaper runs 24/7) came up and I tried to tell them to stay back. But they said, "Hi, Schroeder!" and started petting him. Then I started to wonder just how effective he would be if trouble started. Anyway, I have to admit I was jealous of him. I thought the girls were running out to see the cute guard and not the dog. Sometimes I went inside, not to protect the building, but because everybody wanted to see Schroeder. Nobody wanted to see me. I was  just a piece of chopped liver with a badge and a gun.

 

We made an outside patrol every hour or so. He did one thing that irritated me. At the end of the patrol, we would stop at his pen where his food and water was. He always chewed his food very thoroughly and didn't gulp it down like a lot of dogs. The problem was that it was a cold November morning with a chilly wind. I wanted to get inside where it was warm. I kept saying, "Hurry up and eat Schroeder!" He looked at me as if to say, "Don't bother me man, I'm eating!" It was dry food and sounds are really magnified in the cold morning air. The crunching was so loud, it sounded like people 5 miles away could have heard it.

 

One time a very embarrassing thing happened when Schroeder decided to do his business on Star grounds near the street. There I was, holding the leash of a supposedly deterent to crime who was leaving his little doggy calling card on the lawn. Unfortunately, I was down wind from him. Even in the early hours of the morning, people were driving by and looking. I just did a little wave and smiled, looking everywhere but at Schroeder. I did what I could to distract people from seeing what was going on. I didn't clean up the mess. My job was to protect lives and property, not police dog poop!

 

I remember there were some buildings with a railroad track running through them that had one or more boxcars sitting on the rails. We had to patrol the area. It was poorly lit and I was glad I had Schroeder, because he would have let me known if there was somebody lurking there. I once stepped on his paw and he let out a yelp that must have woke up at least 20 dead people. Sound carries good in the cold air of the wee hours of the morning. Supposedly, animals don't have expressions, but he looked at me as though to say, "Why'd you step on my paw for!" I had a little song I made up about Schroeder sung to the tune of, "The Bridge at the River Kwai". It kind of helped pass the night whistling and singing.

 

John King was of of my James gang buddies back in Elementary School. As I played the cornet from Grade School through High School, he played the trombone. He used to drive a City Transit bus. One time, while heading towards the street while on patrol, I heard a honk. I looked up and saw John going down the street in his bus waving at me. I thought that was kind of neat. You don't expect to see your Classmates while on canine patrol. The reason being, is that you're always on the lookout out for the bad guys. It sure felt good to see a friend.

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BANK SECURITY:

 

I used to be a bank guard at the Blue Ridge Bank extension in the Blue Ridge Shopping Center. It was affectionately called the "Mini Bank". This was my first time guarding a bank and I found out that I had two important things to do. First, it was the guard's duty to make the coffee in the morning. Second, on Fridays it was the guard's turn to buy the doughnuts. I bet that's something they don't teach at any Police Academy.

 

On Friday the bank stayed open utnil 7 p.m., so I put in a 10-hour shift. Moss Magnavox was right across the way from the bank, so on Friday nights I used to sneak over to the window and watch the Godzilla movie reruns on some of the TV's on display. I couldn't hear anything, but it was fun watching the monsters mix it up. I always got a kick out of the sounds Godzilla made. He sounded like an elephant that got kicked in the groin.

 

About they only exciting thiing that happened during my tenure at the bank was that one Christmas, the bowing Santa Claus we had on display picked up a short circuit and started smoking. In true heroic fashion, I put my life on the line and expertly unplugged it. No medals please; I'm a very humble person!

 

One time I had my picture taken with Zelda. She was a lion cub and they were exhibiting her and some other animals in the Shopping Center. One of the workers brought her into the bank so me and the tellers could see her. She was very lovable and cuddly to hold. Lions are cute when they're young, but I wouldn't want to try and hold one when it grows up.

 

The job didn't pay all that great, but it was a great place to work. The employees and shoppers were always nice.

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HOSPITAL SECURITY:

 

I spent about a year and a half as a hospital guard. We were not allowed to carry firearms, which did not sit too well with me. But, the job paid good and there were many good benefits.

 

There was a mental health facility just a few yards to the North of the hospital. I had to keep an eye on that too. I hadn't been working there too long when I got a call on my radio to respond to a "Code A" at the mental center. During my training period, somebody forgot to tell me what that meant. Then the dispatcher came on again and said, "There is a man with a gun in the Mental Health Center." "So, that's what a Code A meant!", I thought to myself. The Security Office was at the opposite end from where I had to go. So, considering the fact that I was unarmed, I didn't run, I just walked hoping that the police would get there in time. I got to the stairs that would lead me up to where the danger was. I kept listening for a siren, but never head one. Then I realized that the only time the police ever get there in time was in the movies and on TV. I took my trusty Motorola walkie-talkie, which had a metal case and proceeded carefully up the stairs with radio in hand. I was going to use it as a weapon, possibly even throwing it as a defensive missile. I got to the top, but it was strangely quiet and I didn't see anything. This really bothered me, because the guy with the gun could pop out anywhere and shoot me. I was surprised to have reached the top of the stairs. About that time, one of the doctors came out and for lack of a better question I just asked, "Is there a guy with a gun in here?" He said yes and that the guy wasn't trying to hurt anybody, but just wanted attention and had given the gun up. It was a Winchester. No, not the Cathedral. It was a 30-30 lever action rifle. Anyway, all of a sudden came the sound of sirens. Great! They finally decided to show up! The police came and of course I decided to take advantage of the situation and say, "No problem, fellas! Security has everything under control!" They started to take the guy out and I said, "You guys want the gun?" I pointed to where it was at and they took it along. Look, nobody has to know I had nothing to do with getting the gun away from the guy. It would look great on my resume. It was kind of a "Twilight Zone" situation. Things like this have been happening to me all of my life. And people wonder why I walk around talking to myself! The incident made me feel good, though. A person never really knows what they're going to do until they're drawn into a certain situation. I was willing to take on an armed man with just a walkie-talkie in order to protect others. That made me feel great. Would I do it again? Are you kidding! You can get killed being a hero!

 

One of the jobs I didn't like when I worked Security at the hospital was taking dead bodies down to the hospital morgue. I was told that one time an employee, pretending to be a dead body, jumped up and scared the security guy half to death. From then on, when I took a body down to the morgue on the cart, I had my walkie talkie, which had a metal case, ready at all times. If the body on that cart wasn't dead, I was going to make sure it was.

 

I checked on the Maternity Ward from time to time to see if the newborns were okay. Nobody was going to steal a kid when I was on duty!

 

I once saw some fire engines in front of the Mental Health Center. I had not received a call on my radio. I later found out that I had been called, but apparently my radio hadn't picked up the signals. There were some dead spots in the hospital where it was hard to pick anything up. I was a little upset, because I should have been there before the firemen. Anyway, it turns out that of the elderly patients pulled the fire alarm because she wanted to give the Fire chief some popcorn. Just between you and me, I think that some of the psychiatrists had more space to rent than the patients.

 

The only complaint I had about my job was the fact that we didn't have a badge, uniform or sidearm. Instead, I was unarmed and had a name tag that said "Security Representative". Not only that, but I had to wear brown pants and a yellow blazer. We were supposed to be inconspicuous, but I looked like a bruised banana. One of the best deterents to Crime is a uniformed policeman with a badge and gun in plain sight. Nobody is going to be afraid of someone who looks like a piece of deranged fruit.

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WORK SUMMATION:

 

I never did stay with any job more than a year and a half. Most of the times I changed jobs was for more money and more benefits. I just never got settled in to any occupation for whatever reason. Just for the fun of it, I decided to make a list of the jobs I've had over the years. I worked for 31 different employers and worked in 67 different locations, not counting the times I was self-employed. Over half the places I  worked was because of Police & Security work, plus fast-food restaurants and a paint company. Once reason I had so many jobs is that I made the mistake of getting into debt. Therefore, there was a time when I had to take anything I could get, especially minimum wage jobs with no future in sight.  I learned a lot of job skills working so many trades. I figured that to acquire the knowledge that I had gained from so many jobs, would have cost me a million dollars if I had gone to college. Also, because of the many places I worked, I made a lot of friends and learned a lot about people. Because of health problems, I have to work my own speed and I can't work a normal job schedule like most people. If I were at full-speed, I would not have a problem getting a job because I've had experience doing many things. Also, I don't have to make house payments or car payments or any other payments because everything I own is paid for; and, I don't have any credit card debt. This means that I wouldn't have to go looking for a high paying job. There are advantages to acquiring skills and staying out of debt.

 

I would say to any young person who might be reading this, to stay in school and graduate. Then, whether you go to college or not, continue developing skills, whether this be through working or night school or whatever. Above all, do not allow yourself to go deep into debt. Keep yourself as debt-free as possible. Otherwise, you will become a slave to that debt and it will always stand between you and your future dreams.

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ACCOMPLISHMENTS:

 

Among my accomplishments concern the field of cartoons and comedy writing. Keep clicking on the rest of the pages to see "Lung Fu" and "Tribbles Are People, Too!"

 

I have written what I consider to be one of the best, if not the best, Morse Code learning systems ever devised for use on a computer. It was made to run on a Commodore 64, but it can be rewritten for other PC's. I have given it to the American people for free. It is a Public Domain program.

 

I've been told I am a "creative genius". If I am, it's beclause GOD gave me a lot of talent and my parents and teachers taught me well. When I was younger, I sometimes thought that those old gray-haired fools didn't know anything. Time can be cruel. Now, I'm one of those old gray-haired fools the kids don't think know anything. A few years ago, one of the little girls I have sometimes watched out for asked me how old I was. When I told her I was 56, she said, "Wow! You look like you're only 48!" I guess when you get past 50, you have to take what compliments you can get.

 

In the mid-late 80's, I was on a local radio station trying to help in getting American POW's out of Vietnam. I also talked about the Bible and natural healing as opposed to deadly man-made drugs. I had to discontinue due to lack of funds. I found out too late that several pieces of mail, some including money (I never asked for anything, but the money would have been used to buy air time), had been stolen. This caused me a lot of trouble and today, I still remain controversial.

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BIOGRAPHY SUMMATION

 

I hope those who read my story will have had fun reading it. Some of you will say, "Hey, that's me!" A lot of what I've said will relate to many people. We're all Americans, we all went to school, got jobs, got married, etc. We've all gone through pretty much the same things. It is my wish that this biography will stir up many pleasant memories. I have decided not to relate a lot of bad things that happened in my life. What's in the past, is in the past and I don't wish to stir up any unpleasant memories. My parents' generation gave us something that we should all be grateful for: a happy childhood and a firm foundation. Without it, we wouldn't be here today. Except for not having lived a better life, I have no complaints about the existence which GOD gave me. As I get older, I'm not giving up my dreams. Colonel Sanders sold his restaurant business of 20 years and had nothing left but his Social Security check aft paying all his bills. But, he didn't give up. At the age of 65, he started selling his famous chicken recipe and I think you know the rest. Grandma Moses didn't start painting until she was getting late in years and she didn't become famous until she hit 100. Leo Carillo, who played "Pancho", sidekick of the "Cisco Kid" on TV, was 70 when he started in the series. Many of the greatest works of art and literature were done by men and women in their later years. I've had many failures in my life and have been told I'd never be successful, but I'm not going to let that deter me. Edgar Allen Poe was kicked out of West Point for insubordination. The man who painted "Whistler's Mother" was kicked out of West Point because he called argon a gas. I know it sounds weird, but I got this information from a book about General Douglas MacArthur. After Albert Einstein failed a math test, his teacher said he was an idiot and would never amount to anything. The experts said Fred Astaire could never make it in the movies saying, "Can't act, slightly balding, can dance a little." The Wright Brothers own father, who was a preacher, said that man would never fly. Even though I've had a lot of failures in my life and done a lot of stupid things, I'll keep on trying. The next time you feel like a failure, do what I do. Every time I get to feeling I'm the dumbest person on the face of this Earth, all I have to do is look at the politicians who are running the country and I realize that I'm not as stupid as I thought I was. May the Peace of GOD be upon you all.

 

GARRY DASHNER

 

 

more to come . . .